It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
