I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
