I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Your mouth is God's brothel.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
