so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
