the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
