if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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