Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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