I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
