She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Gay?
German.
Pity.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
