You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
