A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize