i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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