you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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