My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
