before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
