Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
