yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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