He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
