the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
