Will you blow on my dice?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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