Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
