between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
