I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
