Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
