I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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