Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
