I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
