Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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