i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
