I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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