Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
