I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize