nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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