Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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