dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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