I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
