i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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