I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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