So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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