last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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