I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
