its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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