i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
