During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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