I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
