Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
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