Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
