why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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