hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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