she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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