I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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