good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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